Saturday, June 18, 2011

Closing your eyes

It is war raging in my country..
A fact that I still try to grasp ,analyze,understand!
Every thing I have ever known..
All the familiar places ,people ,cities ,are as if they are alien to me..and ,I think,to many of my country men and women,,
It is war...
I close my eyes..bite my lip...try to see ,to deal with it (objectively) as my friend always say,,,but I can't..
When I close my eyes ,what I see in the dark screen of the inside of my eye lids is helplessness..
the unability to do anything that can make the difference..
I close my eyes ,I see those who were killed ..
I see the tired face of my mother..
The shocked face of my sister..
The anger in my brother eyes..
The determination in my father's..
And I see faces from my life...
My freinds..some of them will never come back..
I see the faces of those I cared about ,and respected..lost ,and confused ..
I see the faces of those I hurt before ,and now we all share the pain of what is going on in Libya,,,
I squeeze my eye lids more..
More images run on that screen..twisted with agony...strained with fear...
Then I see flash backs of my past life..The life I chose to leave..You feel the bitterness all over again..You taste it...you smell it...you can almos ,ALMOST, touch it...You bite your lip again,you squeeze your eyelids even more ,this time to stop that hot drop from escaping its prison...
You exhale..
you try to focus again..
Every thing is mixed up on that screen...You can't tell which part is your life ,and which is the life of others ..You just can't tell the difference..and You don't care..Because in war time,,even if you are thousads of miles away ,you still feel that burn deep inside you...
You take deep breath..
You feel ashamed..
How could you think of your self ,summon your own memories ,feel the prsonal pain ,while that ugly war is eatig your home land ,threatening your loved ones??
Then the answer comes..
Because it is HOME..it is the place in which all these memories formed...surrounded all the faces..it is the place where your life HAPPENED..
You open your eyes, you look out side the window ,at a different sky...different sun...you don't need the screen anymore...The faces ,the places ,the times,the memories..They are all in front of your eyes now..so vivid ,so real ,so close ,yet so far...You reach out with your hand..it touches nothing but air...
you release that hot drop from its prison ,to find its way down the lines of your face..your hand drops on your lap..
and you close your eyes again
and whisper: I am sorry...
.....
A.